Today's Horrorscope (Libra): Sep 23 - Oct 23
Today, the universe will conspire against your little finger. Your lucky item - a full metal glove. Keep your hands in your pockets, and the risk of you losing one of your phalanges will narrow significantly to 1 in 2.
Council Passes Anti-Camera Shooting Law
CEBU CITY – In a move anticipated to qualm increasingly obnoxious weekly rallies, the Cebu City Council has approved City Ordinance No. 1269, making illegal the shooting, or otherwise premeditated harm, of digital cameras. This as an aftermath to an earlier incident involving allegations against Mayor Tomas Osmena’s son (name unknown as of press time) of shooting an innocent digital camera, instantly killing it.
Read more →Super Rain Shower “Alfredo” to Hit Talamban
TALAMBAN -Residents get ready for the onslaught of super rain shower alfredo which threatens to flood the busy district in ankle deep flooding. Tensions escalated when the flood weary barangay heard news of a shipment of badly needed rain boots and unfashionable raincoats were lost and swept away, ironically, in a category 7 taligsik just [...]
Read more →Manny To Sponsor Gay Boxing Clinics
GENERAL SANTOS CITY – Returning home from his momentous win over Miguel Cotto, the People’s Champ Emmanuel “Manny” Pacquiao announced yesterday that he will be sponsoring a summer boxing clinic specifically aimed at gay people. The boxing clinic which will start by the summer of 2010 (cross your fingers, folks) will be one of the [...]
Read more →USA To Take Back RP
RP – The government of the United States of America (USA) are demanding to take back the Republic of the Philippines (RP). They had already submitted their foreclosure orders to Malacañang yesterday which shook the Palace in full force.
According to the United States of America (USA), our grandiose “independence” is only contractual.
Read more →Tommy Misunderstands; Opposes LRT Idea
“Another thing, our young people have lost all moral standards and I will not allow any more debauchery to rule our occasionally peaceful city,” he said. At this point, confusion started to arise as to how ‘debauchery’ could be related to trains.
Read more →Commuter Misses Stop; Blames Self
CEBU CITY – A commuter, 19, sophomore at the University of Tomas Osmena (UTO), missed his stop on the way to school yesterday and ended up getting off 100m beyond his intended destination. Although evidence shows the driver was way too slow to react…
Read more →Protest Rally for GF/BF Rights
CEBU CITY – A group called NBGSB (No Boyfriend/Girlfriend Since Birth) are planning to instigate a protest rally on the streets of Capitol. “There’s an unequal distribution of girlfriends and boyfriends going on in this country!” their spokesman, Arturo Reyes, age 22, Filipino, single, Roman Catholic, told us.
Read more →Man High on Shabu Realizes Meaninglessness of Life
LOREGA –“Life is meaningless” claims Kevin Zapanta 42, resident user deep within the heart of BARANGAY LOREGA. Initially his first response as he melted shabu (methamphetamine) over a foil with a blue lighter that lights up at the bottom, displaying a pornographic
Read more →Spirit of Fawkes Barely Remembers 5th of November
“Man, I hardly remembereth what happened back then,” said Fawkes, sounding hungover from a night out with Satan and the boys. “I was really just taking ye olde nap, and when I woke up, there were all these wicked-huge barrels pointed at my face.
Read more →Man Faces Murder After Killing Self
CEBU CITY — Ariel Rivero, age 38, Filipino, single, Roman Catholic, was found dead in his room at his apartment somewhere in Juan Seno, Mabolo. Investigators ruled out foul play and came up with the conclusion that it was suicide when they found a suicide note near his pillow drenched with blood that said, “gtg.”
Read more →Manhunt On for Motorist Taking Up Two Parking Spaces
“It is beyond me how any human being could do this,” said one security guard, whose name has been withheld. “I don’t think I can do this job anymore. I’ve seen some horrible things in my tumultuous career as a security guard, but I never thought I’d see this happen.”
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