The Plaza Housing Gazette

CEBU CITY – A would-be assassin was arrested yesterday at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center after subjecting himself to an eye test. In his patient profile, the assassin carelessly indicated his symptoms as “failing to find the President during an assassination attempt“. The ophthalmologist’s secretary was quick to inform the police, who arrived at the scene after an hour.

It was determined via interrogation that the assassin (name withheld owing to doctor-patient confidentiality) was stationed with a .38 paltik on the roofdeck of I1 Building at the I.T. Park, in front of Skyrise 3 Building where President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was set to visit.

“I couldn’t find her,” he told investigators. “I just couldn’t and I had no idea why.” His failed attempt led him to suspect his eyesight had gone bad, thus prompting his visit to Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo two days later. He is now detained at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, where he just barely missed a chance at 15 minutes of fame as a dancer in a Michael Jackson music video.

Crime analysts later came to the conclusion that the failed assassination attempt was not, in fact, a consequence of poor eyesight, but that it was just “too damn hard” to spot the President in a crowd of 5-foot-something people.

Further reports from Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo claim that the would-be assassin has perfect 20-20 vision. – DS