MANILA – Despite the impending cancellation of the upcoming elections, the nation’s (would-have-been) presidentiables, counting on the slim chance of the elections actually coming to pass, push on with their (soon-to-be-futile) campaigns. In a press conference held yesterday at his San Juan residence, presidential candidate Joseph Estrada made a statement pleading with voters to “go with experience rather than smarts” when they troop to voting centers.

“Who among us has served longest as President?” he asked rhetorically, without understanding said adverb.

After much debate, analysts finally agreed that the former President was, in fact, referring to his former Presidency, the one that failed miserably and ended abruptly in the second bloodless People Power revolution.

“My tenure at Malacanang has taught me valuable lessons that only first-hand experience can teach,” he said, referring to his former position as President of the Republic, during which he plundered an estimated 50 billion pesos in taxpayers’ money. “I may not be well-educated,” he added, referring to his lack of a college degree that could have possibly better qualified him for public office, “but I’ve been there and done that (referring presumably to his reputation as a gambling lord).”

When asked about the incompetence and lack of ethics he demonstrated during his previous job, Estrada simply shrugged and said before he concluded the conference, “I know I was a terrible actor, but what does that have to do with leading a country?”

It was later established that Estrada did, in fact, mistake the question as referring to his former acting career. – DS

MANILA- In an ironic twist, the 2010 national elections for the Philippines will be cancelled due to ‘non-technical difficulties’ from the shiny new technology being imposed on the backwards and religious people that make up the vast majority of the voting population.

Smart-o-matic, the provider of the new and shiny technology was simply ‘dumbfounded’. Testing was apparently ’successful’ and ‘easy’ when tested on a certain group, but as soon as the actual numbers of the masses came, they failed to compensate for the dominant factor in the voting process and unwittingly alienated an entire demographic as shipments of the voting machinery rolled out from factory production and paid for by the ‘GOVERNMENT’ and ‘COMELEC.’

‘They just simply refuse to approach the machinery,’ said someone from Smart-o-matic’s R&D (not a music genre) department, ‘even when we approached the fishermen and fieldworkers, they ran away, fearing our smart-o-matic machinery and gadgets.’

‘Deviltry!’ tweeted one would be voter who wishes to remain anonymous, although there was something fishy about the tweeter.

‘Black Magick!’ blogged a spokesperson for the cans, bottles and newspapers collection union, a sharply worded diatribe against auto-vote (not a robot) was also found in said blog.

‘Unthinkable!’ via blackberry messenger of one Bernardo Dominggo, 33, panday and part-time taho vendor who forbade us from taking his picture, believing that the black plastic and glass device will ’suck my soul’ and showing severe mistrust of any and all technology having to do with his suffrage.

Even with the deluge of music videos featuring Cebu’s best dance group, infomercials and comics explaining the new process, still the masses refuse to be swayed. ‘Why cant we go back to simpler times like the way my grandfather used to vote?’ said Juan Dela Cruz (actual name) from his facebook status.

CEBU CITY – A would-be assassin was arrested yesterday at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center after subjecting himself to an eye test. In his patient profile, the assassin carelessly indicated his symptoms as “failing to find the President during an assassination attempt“. The ophthalmologist’s secretary was quick to inform the police, who arrived at the scene after an hour.

It was determined via interrogation that the assassin (name withheld owing to doctor-patient confidentiality) was stationed with a .38 paltik on the roofdeck of I1 Building at the I.T. Park, in front of Skyrise 3 Building where President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was set to visit.

“I couldn’t find her,” he told investigators. “I just couldn’t and I had no idea why.” His failed attempt led him to suspect his eyesight had gone bad, thus prompting his visit to Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo two days later. He is now detained at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, where he just barely missed a chance at 15 minutes of fame as a dancer in a Michael Jackson music video.

Crime analysts later came to the conclusion that the failed assassination attempt was not, in fact, a consequence of poor eyesight, but that it was just “too damn hard” to spot the President in a crowd of 5-foot-something people.

Further reports from Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo claim that the would-be assassin has perfect 20-20 vision. – DS

The Church of Santinology is going to hold an extravagant thanksgiving celebration this coming February 5, with different events to be taking place in Metro Manila and in the town of Bagoong Pag-Asa, Pampanga. The event is going to bring all Santinologists, celebrity and non-celebrity alike, to a day of merry-making and thanksgiving.

The celebration is going to kick off with a religious procession in Bagoong Pag-Asa, where the sect was established last year. After the procession at 3 a.m., a healing service will be conducted by the sect’s founder, Zaijan “Santino” Jaranilla, a child visionary-healer, along with the priests who broke away from the Catholic Church to join Jaranilla’s sect. Jaranilla will then join members in a community breakfast at 6 a.m., and will later leave for QC to conduct a prayer rally 8:30 a.m. at ABS-CBN.

Around midday, the showbiz members of the sect will stage a thanksgiving parade, starting from Quezon City Circle up to ABS-CBN. The parade will feature various floats depicting the sect’s colorful history and a collegiate band will lead the parade.

After the parade, two of the sect’s prominent Santinologists, Dolphy and Nida Blanca, will lead a political rally along Mother Ignacia Avenue, where ABS-CBN is located. Later at 7 p.m., popular Santinologists will perform at the thanksgiving concert at the Quirino Grandstand. Santinologists Charise, Arnel Pineda of the band Journey, Martin Nievera, Toni Gonzaga, comedy concert queen Ai Ai Delas Alas, Rayver Cruz, Maja Salvador and heartthrob Sam Milby are among those who will perform at the concert.

The celebration, expected to draw a million followers, is poised as a security headache for the authorities. The Philippine National Police (PNP) will deploy 50,000 cops around venues where the events are going to be held. Also, the Armed Forces of the Philippines (AFP) will provide security details to important members of the sect. The National Bureau of Investigation (CIDG) and Criminal Investigation and Detection Group (CIDG) will also help provide security measures after receiving reports that rival sect The Temple of Goddess Darna will disrupt the event. Sniffing dogs, fire trucks, and bomb squad will also be brought to key locations.

The Church of Santinology is the country’s equivalent to the Church of Scientology, Kaballah, and Agape in the United States, where showbiz personalities also make up the prominent membership. Prominent Santinologists also includes starlet Krista Ranillo, Judy Ann Santos, Gloria Romero, EJ Falcom, Makisig Morales, Rosanna Roces, Gabby Concepcion, Maricar Reyes, Vhong Navarro, Anne Curtis, Wendy Valdez, and KC Concepcion.

The sect, established last year, tried to operate as a Catholic movement, such as the Opus Dei, Catholic Youth Organization, El Shaddai and the Knights of Columbus. Jaranilla and some monks went to the Vatican to get the Pope’s approval, but was rebuffed on the ground that some of its teachings are contrary to the Catholic Church. Jaranilla tried to get his group affiliated with major Protestant denominations and the Iglesia ni Cristo. After futile efforts, Jaranilla decided to break away from mainline Christianity and establish his own Christian church. However, Jaranilla is always open to the idea of returning to the fold of the Catholic Church.

Presidential aspirant Senator Manny Villar was a no-show at the Senate’s probe on the C-5 Road Project once again. Nonetheless, the scene inside the session hall got thrilling.

Senator Jinggoy Estrada took advantage of his privilege speech to jibe at Villar, branding him as “a selfish brat”.
“Villar is a selfish brat,” Estrada declared in his speech. “His head gets huge everytime he is a step ahead of us to success. Know what I mean? His refusal to share his secrets of his success in the (C-5) Road project shows his true character. What can we expect from a person who would not share his blessing, lalo sa sa isang nag-ambisyon maging pangulo (especially the one who ambitions to be a president)?”

Villar’s “official spokesman” Senator Peter Cayetano tried to heckle Estrada, but was told to stay put by Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago. When Estrada returned to his seat, Cayetano took turn at the podium to deliver a statement directed at Estrada.

‘Villar reserves the right to share his secrets of success to anyones he wishes to,” said Cayetano. “Envious people don’t deserve to learn such secrets.”

Turning to Estrada, Cayetano said, ‘You should be ashamed of yourself. Villar is successful, just like your father (ex-senator and ex-president Joseph President) was before.”

Estrada attempted to answer back, but chickened out when his cellphone rang, the ringtones blaring the words “I don’t care eh, eh, eh, eh, eh!”.

Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile was obviously not paying attention to the session that took place, as he was arguing with Villar thru text messaging, trying to pressure the latter to show up and share his secrets. Later, Enrile gave up when his cellphone ran out of load.

Though absent at the session hall, Villar reported to work at his office, juggling between Senate duty and campaigning. At a press conference inside his office, Villar stressed his refusal to share his secrets of success at the C-5 Road Project, saying it’s not a matter for “envious, lazy minds”.

“It’s no fun sharing success tips to envious people, whose envious, lazy minds refuse to work,” Villar said. “The C-5 (Road) Project is a product of my trademark, “sikap at talino, sipag at tiyaga” (effort and intelligence, diligence and perseverance), of which I am really, really proud of. No guts, no glory for those who would not try in life.”

CEBU CITY – Engineer J. Seph, a professor at a university well-known for its “more-money-higher-grades” policy, was suspended yesterday with an investigation pending on his illegal teaching methods. Engr. Seph had allegedly been giving lessons to students that were not pre-approved by the school. Eyebrows were raised on Seph when Mary (real name withheld), 14, a student at the university, passed the test she took last week.

“He (Engr. Seph) had been teaching Mary for only a week and she passed. There was one time that he taught this student for an entire year and she still failed every time she took the test. He almost undoubtedly gave some kind of leakage to Mary this time,” said the Dean of the “more-money-higher-grades” University.

“Mary was a really smart kid. When she told us the result of the test, I hit her with a horse lash. She passed it! I couldn’t believe how dumb she was,” said Mary’s father (IRC nickname withheld).

Seph is known to be really caring for his students. He always gave one-on-one tutorials to students who lagged behind. He is very passionate about his teaching and even teaches out-of-school youths about life and its creation.

“The only thing I didn’t like about Engr. Seph was his smoking habit. He always smoked after teaching me,” said Nene, a former student of Seph. “Also, he taught much too fast, and when I asked him for a repeat of what he’d just taught me, he almost always said that his pen’s already run out of ink,” added Nene. When asked for an opinion on whether Engr. Seph gave leakage to Mary, all she could answer was: “I swear I’m still a virgin.” -JS

CEBU CITY – A street festival was held over the weekend in Cebu City for the first time ever and attracted a “kinda large” crowd, despite being a first-time event and in spite of competition from the equally popular Fiesta sa Pasil. It was declared a “mild success” and according to event organizers, “there’s a good chance it will be held again next year”.

“We didn’t expect this large a crowd,” said event promoter Marko Esteban, a student at the Cebu Normal University (CNU). “We’re very happy with the turnout and, if we manage to raise enough funds, we will be back next year with this same concept.”

The event is tentatively called “Sinulog” in honor of a popular local squid dish. “It’s still a working title,” said Esteban. The event also has a catchy theme song built over a simple bugle line and a whole lot of percussion. “It’s also a working theme song but we intend it to change over the years. I’d hate to imagine the same song being played over and over again thirty years from now.”

Key people in the religious and political communities applauded the event as a “booming success”, as evidenced by the large number of youths found littered in all street corners and unable to make their way back home to resume living productive lives.

Not everyone is happy with this new event, however, as Gillan Flagitio, head organizer of the Fiesta sa Pasil event which is customarily held at 3A.M. on the same day as the “Sinulog”, is set to sit down with Esteban to discuss “crowd sharing”. According to reports, Flagitio was irked upon hearing that the eve of the schedule set by Esteban coincided with the Fiesta sa Pasil. Both parties hope a reasonable consensus will be arrived at after the meeting. – DS

LEFTTOWN – A family of 10 has been banned from setting foot in Brgy. Lorega ever again after strong evidence pointed to them as prolific bombmakers. Reports had been received since last month that suspicious people were going in and out of an abandoned lot in Lorega. The baranggay originally did not mind these reports since this is a common activity in the area. It was only yesterday that the baranggay was alarmed after a text message was sent by an anonymous “concerned citizen” informing them that he had seen bombs in the said abandoned lot.

Baranggay tanods confirmed the reports after they discovered bombs of all sizes in the abandoned lot. These bombs were poorly concealed – only by leaves and sheets of paper. A bomb squad rushed to the scene to defuse the bombs, but no wire cutting was performed as the squad reported that these bombs were not armed. According to official reports, covering them with sufficient soil was enough to disable them. The reports also said that although these bombs are potentially dangerous when thrown at people, this kind is less destructive and can only cause temporary discomfort and humiliation, especially when in liquid form.

Neighbors unanimously pointed to the Etamo family as the bomb makers. The family moved to the baranggay a month ago and had seen been living in a small hut beside the empty lot. One neighbor testified that family members would be seen sneaking into the lot especially at night. “The youngsters of the family sometimes sneaked in even during the day,” said a playmate.

Action was fast and the Etamos were immediately evicted from the barangay and the empty lot was fenced in. The bombs were immediately covered with soil as the foul smell was troubling the neighborhood.

When the Etamos’ hut was searched, it was verified that they did not have a toilet. The Etamos are now residing in Pasil, where bombs being dropped anywhere whenever nature calls is a commonplace activity. -JS

CEBU CITY – Local marathon hobbyist Junio Dela Rama, 43, participant in the 1st Cebu City Marthon, made a wrong turn at the 21K mark and suddenly became a half-marathon hobbyist. Dela Rama earlier registered for the 42K event. He blamed the scantily-clad and likewise scantily-weighed female runners (see inset photo) for his uncharacteristic loss of orientation. He was officially disqualified from the race in which he was not favored by a long shot to win anyway.

“I realized I had made a mistake when I noticed there were only 12 of the 42K runners in front of me,” he remarked. “Two of them were chicks and, man, their legs just went on forever!”

Local drunks who had been drinking well into daybreak were found laughing in the vicinity but it remains unconfirmed whether they were laughing at Dela Rama’s error or at a Pacman text joke. Further attempts to get a comment from the drunks were unsuccessful, as they had no sooner passed out on one of the tables at Routestop Convenience Store.

Had he not been disqualified, Dela Rama would have placed 27th in the marathon, clocking in at a personal 42K best 2 hours and 38 minutes. He finished 239th in the 21K event, a feat that he has a hard time surrendering to disqualification.

He is set to file a protest, which is set to be taken with very little gravity, tomorrow. – DS

CAVITE CITY – Chart-topping dance-rock crooner Efren Peñaflorida is set to release a new single this February 14, a follow-up to his CNN Song of the Year “Kariton Klasrum”.

The single, titled “Kariton Angel” will come out as a dance track with romantic lyrics and full of rock guitar. Showbiz columnist Julie Ang Babaw, who co-wrote the track with Peñaflorida, described the up-coming single as “a rock anthem that can make you dance and fall in love at the same time”.

Like “Kariton Klasrum” the new single is also a personal song. Peñaflorida told FHM Radio that he wrote the song after sexy star Angel Locsin spurned his romantic advances.

“When I was still wooing (Locsin), I had in mind to write a song titled “My Angel” which is about her” Peñaflorida told radio host Kriscross Aquino. “After she refused to return my love, I decided to change the title to “Kariton Angel.”

At first Peñaflorida thought of recording the song as a pop ballad, but decided against it after watching Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance” on Channel V.

“I wanted to express my emotional side, to show how I feel after Angel rejected me. After watching (Bad Romance) I felt like dancing.”

Peñaflorida is expecting “Kariton Angel” to replicate the success of his smash hit “Kariton Klasrum”. He has enlisted Pinoy rock icon Pepe Smith to play guitar in the recording and Journey vocalist Arnel Pineda to add back-up vocals to the track. For the music video, Peñaflorida had approached Glaiza de Castro, who appeared on GMA’s “Stairway to Heaven” to be his leading lady and dance partner.

“Glaiza looks like Angel. Can’t you see the resemblance? Besides, Glaiza is also cute and sexy. What more can you ask for?” gushed Peñaflorida.

“Kariton Klasrum” was over-voted by fans as the no. 1 song at the CNN’s Year-end Hot 100 Songs for 2009, earning Peñaflorida a cash prize and the CNN Artist of the Year plum. It is also the only single in CNN history to debut at the top spot both at the CNN Dance chart and the CNN Mainstream Rock chart, a feat which the record-breaking single achieved on November 23, 2009. According to the Facebook group Definitely Filipino, Peñaflorida has already sold more than 400,000 fans and friends of his hit single, and is nearing the gold mark.

“Kariton Angel” will be released by Peñaflorida’s record outfit Dynamic Teen Company.