Today's Horrorscope (Libra): Sep 23 - Oct 23
Today, the universe will conspire against your little finger. Your lucky item - a full metal glove. Keep your hands in your pockets, and the risk of you losing one of your phalanges will narrow significantly to 1 in 2.
MANILA – Despite the impending cancellation of the upcoming elections, the nation’s (would-have-been) presidentiables, counting on the slim chance of the elections actually coming to pass, push on with their (soon-to-be-futile) campaigns. In a press conference held yesterday at his San Juan residence, presidential candidate Joseph Estrada made a statement pleading with voters to “go with experience rather than smarts” when they troop to voting centers.
MANILA- In an ironic twist, the 2010 national elections for the Philippines will be cancelled due to ‘non-technical difficulties’ from the shiny new technology being imposed on the backwards and religious people that make up the vast majority of the voting population.
Smart-o-matic, the provider of the new and shiny technology was simply ‘dumbfounded’. Testing was [...]
NORTH POLE – In the midst of the economic crisis that pummeled on in the year 2009, the Santa’s Little Helpers Union (SLHU) has made known a high availability of elf-slaves in the coming two days, as toy-and-goodies tycoon Santa Claus has been forced to temporarily shut down his factory in the North Pole, currently the only branch of the huge conglomerate.
PLAZA HOUSING – In a bizarre apocalyptic turn of events, the entire staff of the Plaza Housing Gazette have been effectively wiped out from the face of the earth, thus explaining the extended lack of new material on the news site. Initial investigations by the NBI have it that the disappearance may have been the direct consequence of a hydrogen bomb dropped on the unsuspecting staff’s headquarters, evidenced by the large mushroom cloud still clearly visible from a kilometer away.
CEBU CITY – Members of the Plaza Housing Gazette decided today that the previous front page picture (see “Mahal and Mura Run For Congress”) was too disturbing even for their own twisted tastes. To make amends for their gruesome foray, they decided to replace the front page picture with this nice picture of “smiling happy people” with a cardboard cutout of US President Barack Obama.
“Man, I hardly remembereth what happened back then,” said Fawkes, sounding hungover from a night out with Satan and the boys. “I was really just taking ye olde nap, and when I woke up, there were all these wicked-huge barrels pointed at my face.
