The Plaza Housing Gazette » Crime and Law

Man Jumps off the Ledge

Jerjer Sacasa — Sat, 01 May 2010 03:22:05 +0000

CEBU – A man jumped off from a building yesterday noon. The said man was still alive and was screaming when he was rushed to the nearest hospital.

Teban A. Ukay, 29, was pronounced dead on arrival at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center (VSMMC) by attending doctors. It was not clear whether Ukay jumped or was pushed by someone. Witnesses confirmed that they saw a man bringing a guitar with him at the area where Ukay fell from.

Police had two angles of Ukay’s death – suicide and murder. It was ruled out that Ukay’s death was an accidental suicide.

Dr. Tiu, Ukay’s psychiatrist, provided police with records of Ukay’s supposed acrophobia (fear of great heights) treatment sessions. When questioned, Tiu said that he advised Ukay to conquer his fear by facing it. Tiu adviced Ukay to climb up a tall building which Ukay dumbwittingly followed.

Ukay, on top of the building, caused a commotion to bystanders. One witness heard Ukay shouting that they should not worry because he will not jump. “I am only conquering my acrophobia” were the exact words last heard from Ukay. Another witness said to the police that there was a man bringing a guitar that went up to calm Ukay down. The man started singing “Jumper” to ukay when the disaster struck. When Ukay saw the man, he panicked, slipped off the ledge, and fell.

Upon reviewing Ukay’s application for treatment, police noticed that Ukay did not have a fear of heights. Instead, Ukay wrote in his application form that he had Akrhophobia (fear of Akrho). In fact, Ukay had a sever case of fratphobia (fear of fraternities). Incidentally, the man who tried to calm Ukay down was a known member of Akhro. Ukay had feared fratmen since being banged last year by alleged gang members. -JS

Would-Be Assassin Arrested During Eye Check

Just Dexter — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 02:49:44 +0000

CEBU CITY – A would-be assassin was arrested yesterday at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center after subjecting himself to an eye test. In his patient profile, the assassin carelessly indicated his symptoms as “failing to find the President during an assassination attempt“. The ophthalmologist’s secretary was quick to inform the police, who arrived at the scene after an hour.

It was determined via interrogation that the assassin (name withheld owing to doctor-patient confidentiality) was stationed with a .38 paltik on the roofdeck of I1 Building at the I.T. Park, in front of Skyrise 3 Building where President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo was set to visit.

“I couldn’t find her,” he told investigators. “I just couldn’t and I had no idea why.” His failed attempt led him to suspect his eyesight had gone bad, thus prompting his visit to Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo two days later. He is now detained at the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center, where he just barely missed a chance at 15 minutes of fame as a dancer in a Michael Jackson music video.

Crime analysts later came to the conclusion that the failed assassination attempt was not, in fact, a consequence of poor eyesight, but that it was just “too damn hard” to spot the President in a crowd of 5-foot-something people.

Further reports from Dr. Desidido Mata-Ayo claim that the would-be assassin has perfect 20-20 vision. – DS

Family Banished After Bombs Discovered

Jerjer Sacasa — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 22:49:18 +0000

LEFTTOWN – A family of 10 has been banned from setting foot in Brgy. Lorega ever again after strong evidence pointed to them as prolific bombmakers. Reports had been received since last month that suspicious people were going in and out of an abandoned lot in Lorega. The baranggay originally did not mind these reports since this is a common activity in the area. It was only yesterday that the baranggay was alarmed after a text message was sent by an anonymous “concerned citizen” informing them that he had seen bombs in the said abandoned lot.

Baranggay tanods confirmed the reports after they discovered bombs of all sizes in the abandoned lot. These bombs were poorly concealed – only by leaves and sheets of paper. A bomb squad rushed to the scene to defuse the bombs, but no wire cutting was performed as the squad reported that these bombs were not armed. According to official reports, covering them with sufficient soil was enough to disable them. The reports also said that although these bombs are potentially dangerous when thrown at people, this kind is less destructive and can only cause temporary discomfort and humiliation, especially when in liquid form.

Neighbors unanimously pointed to the Etamo family as the bomb makers. The family moved to the baranggay a month ago and had seen been living in a small hut beside the empty lot. One neighbor testified that family members would be seen sneaking into the lot especially at night. “The youngsters of the family sometimes sneaked in even during the day,” said a playmate.

Action was fast and the Etamos were immediately evicted from the barangay and the empty lot was fenced in. The bombs were immediately covered with soil as the foul smell was troubling the neighborhood.

When the Etamos’ hut was searched, it was verified that they did not have a toilet. The Etamos are now residing in Pasil, where bombs being dropped anywhere whenever nature calls is a commonplace activity. -JS

Vigilantes’ Shell Cracked

Jerjer Sacasa — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 02:25:04 +0000

CEBU CITY – A call from an anonymous caller (duh) led the police to an immediate raid down the city’s sewers today. Received at 4AM this morning, the call tipped off the police about the hideout of the stealthy vigilantes that have been roaming the city recently, always a second ahead of the police in apprehending criminals. Upon receiving this information, officers came hurriedly down through the man-hole in full combat suit, and a road block was set as the man-hole had to be blasted open to allow fatso police officers to fit in. This caused a heavy traffic jam during rush hour.

Officers raced to the reported den of the vigilantes, passing through a clogged canals with human waste and garbage dropped from a squatter’s area. To the dismay of everyone awakened, police did not capture any of the reported vigilantes. All they found was a rat scampering away with a stick. The vigilantes again proved that they are indeed always ahead of our police officers.

“It seems that they knew we were coming. We tried to be as quick and stealthy as possible. We even blasted the man-hole to silence the crying of one of our officers because he couldn’t squeeze through,” Chief Police Saki said. He added, “They can run, they can hide, but they can’t escape my love.”

The raid, however, did not go to complete waste. Police recovered vital evidence that could lead them to the identity of these vigilantes. Police found four differently-colored masks which confirm that this was indeed the den of the vigilantes they are after. They also discovered paintings, sculptures, and blue prints of buildings.

As of today, police are still in hot pursuit. The police are warning the public about these vigilantes and are offering rewards for information on their whereabouts. The faces of these vigilantes have not been seen as they are found to be consistently wearing coloured masks, but they can easily be noticed as teenagers who always carry with them some-kind-of-but-not-quite-a shield on their back. Always. COWABUNGA! – JS

Abortions To Drop Expeditiously Once RA Implemented

marialorena — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 11:02:51 +0000

CEBU CITY – The Association of Mothers Bothered by Uncalled-for Termination (AMBUT), Cebu Branch, has filed a complaint against mother ducks who mercilessly sell their eggs for food and shelter. Abortion in Cebu has risen to an alarming rate of thousands a day, and a big portion of that, approximately 99.69%, is due to the growing demand of balut in the city. AMBUT sees this industry as a heinous act of annihilation. “The only way to stop this alarming rise of abortion cases is to make these mothers (breeding ducks) aware that selling their eggs is viewed by our country as illegal”, said the president of AMBUT-Cebu, Mrs. Maria M. Akiling.

As of today, a new Republic Act RA 09483, entitled “The Anti-Abortion Act of Cebuanos: Human and Other Occupants (AAACHOO)”, is being processed and instigated. RA 09483 states that all living inhabitants in Cebu are under the mandate that “one cannot have abortion – or acts pertaining to, similar to, relating to, correlating to or anything remotely close to killing one’s baby without even hearing him/her/it cry uwah-uwah, meeee-meeee, quack-quack, et al.”

Attorney Domingo Bahoiti, who claimed to be the legal spokesperson for AMBUT-Cebu, took the time to explain the impact of this new RA. “It should not be taken lightly by them (ducks) if this RA is to be passed, as they could be seeing themselves in prison for as long as 16-20 years, depending on how old their eggs were. When an egg is confiscated, the number written on it would also be the number of years the mother will be imprisoned. Of course, we would need DNA testings to trace the eggs back to the mother – and all that necessary stuff,” ranted Atty. Bahoiti.

Much to say, the ducks have also prepared for their counter, but no official statement about it has been made because a translator is nowhere to be found.

Council Passes Anti-Camera Shooting Law

admin — Sun, 22 Nov 2009 08:56:02 +0000

CEBU CITY – In a move anticipated to qualm increasingly obnoxious weekly rallies, the Cebu City Council has approved City Ordinance No. 1269, making illegal the shooting, or otherwise premeditated harm, of digital cameras. This as an aftermath to an earlier incident involving allegations against Mayor Tomas Osmena’s son (name unknown as of press time) of shooting an innocent digital camera, instantly killing it, and, in a move that added insult to injury, left the body at its family’s doorstep.

“The issue has been deliberated in Council for years”, said Councilor Jack ‘The Ripper’ Jakosalem. “Since only minor complaints had been received regarding violence against cameras, I’m hard pressed to admit it was never taken seriously.”

Weekly protests have been ongoing since the incident. Protesters bearing placards sprawled with various anti-camera violence slogans like “Justice for Nikon” and “End the LCD-Shed NOW” have flocked every Monday morning to City Hall and Osmena’s home to demand a speedy and haphazardly-thought-about trial.

Asked regarding his group’s opinion of the new ordinance, Camera Ko Kapatid Ko movement provincial head Norberto Norberto said, “It’s a good first step towards our goal.”

“But we will not rest until Tommy’s son.. what’s his name again?.. is put to justice,” he was quick to add. “A perfectly productive camera met an untimely death in his hands and I am outraged that no one seems to care.”

A memorial was set up by the group weeks ago at the Queen City Memorial Gardens for the deceased camera. Sympathizers continue to flock daily to the memorial to leave flowers and various other unnecessary paraphernalia.

Critics however have recently expressed their disillusionment towards the protesters and the City Council alike, insisting that while digital cameras are now amply protected by the law, older film cameras are still at high risk. “Just because they’re old and expensive to maintain, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be entitled to the same rights as their more efficient, way cooler counterparts,” said the Obsolete Cameras Group leader, who asked to, and will most likely indefinitely remain, anonymous. – DS

Tommy Misunderstands; Opposes LRT Idea

Just Dexter — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 13:48:34 +0000

CEBU CITY – In a press conference held yesterday, Mayor Tomas Osmena reiterated his firm opposition to the “LRT Project” being championed by Cebu governor Gwendolyn Garcia. Although several key people in the Cebu political arena have stated their opinion that Osmena is merely carrying on the centuries-old rivalry between their families dating back to when the Osmenas were prominent paladins and the Garcias were “jumpers”, Osmena made it clear that his opinion was not in any way influenced by the prolonged antagonism between him and the “queen of darkness”.

“This LRT Project has no immediate benefit to the citizenry of our city, or the province for that matter,” Osmena said.

“In fact, I can give you a hundred reasons now as to how this ‘project’ can be harmful,” he added. “For one thing, I will not stand for people vomiting uncontrollably on our fair streets.” Attendees assumed this to be a reference to chronic motion sickness, a common problem plaguing cities with light railway transits. “We are known to be the cleanest city in Region 7 and I intend to keep it that way.” He referenced an inaccurate survey conducted by the Plaza Housing Gazette.

“Another thing, our young people have lost all moral standards and I will not allow any more debauchery to rule our occasionally peaceful city,” he said. At this point, confusion started to arise as to how ‘debauchery’ could be related to trains.

Within ten minutes of the mayor’s press statement, attendees came to the realization that Osmena was actually referring to “lambanog-red horse-tanduay“, an extremely potent concoction made popular by a now-closed watering hole along Arlington Pond Street.

When one member of the press pointed this out to him, Osmena could only look to his wife Margot, who was quick to evade eye contact. Osmena then nodded and proceeded to “exit stage right” amidst a loud uproar for more information.

As of press time, the mayor has arranged for another press conference where he claims he will present a “totally new list of reasons why the Light Railway Transit project will never be a good idea”. – DS

Man High on Shabu Realizes Meaninglessness of Life

Leopoldo Matudnila — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 23:52:00 +0000

LOREGA –“Life is meaningless” claims Kevin Zapanta 42, resident user deep within the heart of BARANGAY LOREGA. Initially his first response as he melted shabu (methamphetamine) over a foil with a blue lighter that lights up at the bottom, displaying a pornographic image of an asian woman when projected onto a nearby wall, that can easily be purchased at the back of LOREGA MALL for 15.00php.

After inhaling the rising spirits of the cooked shabu, he then had another initial response of going outside with sundang (sword) in hand and started cutting up coconut leaves from a nearby palm tree, intent on making a silhig tukog (broom twigs) out of the sheared twigs. Engrossed in this particular activity he exclaims “We can make anything we ever wanted!” quite confidently. And within the next 6 hours and 35 minutes he had made tote bags out of rubber and tubes (7 in total to be presumably sold to purchase more shabu), often disassembling and assembling once more the radio cassette player, and scratching and gnawing at his extremities showing his missing teeth.

The environment around Kevin is locally known as a place for dealing the illicit and addictive recreational drug shabu, and pork among many other whimsical things. “life is meaningless,” continued Kevin, “whether you’re walking talking or whispering or howling or running or swimming or eating or shitting or doing this and that and this and that or fucking, or working…” drones Kevin, scratching invisible bugs under his skin while playing a solitaire card game only he understood.

“He’s a messiah,” says J. R. “JUN-JUN” jr. 32, (actual name and age) when asked to elaborate he simply said “you can see it in his bulging eyes”.

Other residents of LOREGA share the same view, “We sometimes wake up at night hearing his parables,” says ALICE 29, describing Kevin walking with rapid steps up and down the street usually between the hours of 03.00 – 05.00 am, raving, arms flailing, elbows in impossible angles and facial ticks, “I would wake up my children so they could see him!” said Alice of the stoned prophet.

“It is as meaningless as these crystalline rocks I smoke are beautiful,” muses Kevin in his drug shanty, observing the shape and glint of the white shining rocks less than a teaspoon full he got from up the street, he leans in as throw away graffiti lining his walls from previous users illuminate as he clicks the blue lighter while DYBUDGET AM 69khz twitters and tweaks obscenities from the disassembled radio “only to dissolve into one moment, one high, one life.”

“Don’t you get it?” he preached on and proceeded to smoke more shabu.

Man Faces Murder After Killing Self

Gonzo Jr. — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:27:31 +0000

CEBU CITY — Ariel Rivero, age 38, Filipino, single, Roman Catholic, was found dead in his room at his apartment somewhere in Juan Seno, Mabolo.

Investigators ruled out foul play and came up with the conclusion that it was suicide when they found a suicide note near his pillow drenched with blood that said, “gtg.”

“There is not a trace of foul play anywhere,” said Inspector Marvin Agustino, age 46, Filipino, married, a Jehovah’s Witness. “He killed himself by simply blowing his brains out with his .38 caliber pistol.”

Last night the landlady (name withheld) told me that she heard a noise that sounded like a gunshot in Rivero’s room but she ignored it because she was busy harvesting crops at her Farm Town (a stupendous game in Facebook). The landlady texted Rivero’s family about his untimely death and his family replied, “HU U?”

When interviewed about what they’re going to do with Rivero’s corpse:

“We’re probably going to file charges against him,” the Inspector told us. “Possibly murder and illegal possession of firearms.”
—CDL

Manhunt On for Motorist Taking Up Two Parking Spaces

admin — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:04:10 +0000

CEBU CITY – Security guards on patrol at the Ayala Life FGU Building basement parking faced the biggest shock of their lives upon finding an average-sized 1996 Mazda sedan occupying not one, but two parking spaces. Parked neatly across one of the lines dividing each parking space, authorities have determined this act to be premeditated and not a mere accident.

“It is beyond me how any human being could do this,” said one security guard, whose name has been withheld. “I don’t think I can do this job anymore. I’ve seen some horrible things in my tumultuous career as a security guard, but I never thought I’d see this happen.”

As of press time, the police have placed the offending car under heavy surveillance and are waiting for the owner to appear. More than 24 hours have passed and the car remains unclaimed. The Cebu City council is now convening to push for stricter laws against heinous parking crimes. “This is a blatant act of terrorism,” Councilor Junjun Dionisio announced in a press statement, “and we must take measures to protect our beloved city.” - DS