The Plaza Housing Gazette

CEBU CITY – A would-be assassin was arrested yesterday at the Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center after subjecting himself to an eye test. In his patient profile, the assassin carelessly indicated his symptoms as “failing to find the President during an assassination attempt”. The ophthalmologist’s secretary was quick to inform the police, who arrived at the scene after an hour.

LEFTTOWN – A family of 10 has been banned from setting foot in Brgy. Lorega ever again after strong evidence pointed to them as prolific bombmakers. Reports had been received since last month that suspicious people were going in and out of an abandoned lot in Lorega. The baranggay originally did not mind these reports since this is a common activity in the area. It was only yesterday that the baranggay was alarmed after a text message was sent by an anonymous “concerned citizen” informing them that he had seen bombs in the said abandoned lot.

CEBU CITY – A call from an anonymous caller (duh) led the police to an immediate raid down the city’s sewers today. Received at 4AM this morning, the call tipped off the police about the hideout of the stealthy vigilantes that have been roaming the city recently, always a second ahead of the police in [...]

CEBU CITY – The Association of Mothers Bothered by Uncalled-for Termination (AMBUT), Cebu Branch, has filed a complaint against mother ducks who mercilessly sell their eggs for food and shelter. Abortion in Cebu has risen to an alarming rate of thousands a day, and a big portion of that, approximately 99.69%, is due to the [...]

CEBU CITY – In a move anticipated to qualm increasingly obnoxious weekly rallies, the Cebu City Council has approved City Ordinance No. 1269, making illegal the shooting, or otherwise premeditated harm, of digital cameras. This as an aftermath to an earlier incident involving allegations against Mayor Tomas Osmena’s son (name unknown as of press time) of shooting an innocent digital camera, instantly killing it.

LOREGA –“Life is meaningless” claims Kevin Zapanta 42, resident user deep within the heart of BARANGAY LOREGA. Initially his first response as he melted shabu (methamphetamine) over a foil with a blue lighter that lights up at the bottom, displaying a pornographic

CEBU CITY — Ariel Rivero, age 38, Filipino, single, Roman Catholic, was found dead in his room at his apartment somewhere in Juan Seno, Mabolo. Investigators ruled out foul play and came up with the conclusion that it was suicide when they found a suicide note near his pillow drenched with blood that said, “gtg.”

“It is beyond me how any human being could do this,” said one security guard, whose name has been withheld. “I don’t think I can do this job anymore. I’ve seen some horrible things in my tumultuous career as a security guard, but I never thought I’d see this happen.”

SAN JUAN – A vigilante who goes only by the nickname “Ting” sneaked into a well-known drug lord’s lair armed only with a .38 caliber pistol and a measly stock of 6 bullets. Knowing well that the odds of him singlehandedly overpowering 15 men armed with AK-47s…