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Automated Voting Contraption
MANILA- In an ironic twist, the 2010 national elections for the Philippines will be cancelled due to ‘non-technical difficulties’ from the shiny new technology being imposed on the backwards and religious people that make up the vast majority of the voting population.
Smart-o-matic, the provider of the new and shiny technology was simply ‘dumbfounded’. Testing was apparently ’successful’ and ‘easy’ when tested on a certain group, but as soon as the actual numbers of the masses came, they failed to compensate for the dominant factor in the voting process and unwittingly alienated an entire demographic as shipments of the voting machinery rolled out from factory production and paid for by the ‘GOVERNMENT’ and ‘COMELEC.’
‘They just simply refuse to approach the machinery,’ said someone from Smart-o-matic’s R&D (not a music genre) department, ‘even when we approached the fishermen and fieldworkers, they ran away, fearing our smart-o-matic machinery and gadgets.’
‘Deviltry!’ tweeted one would be voter who wishes to remain anonymous, although there was something fishy about the tweeter.
‘Black Magick!’ blogged a spokesperson for the cans, bottles and newspapers collection union, a sharply worded diatribe against auto-vote (not a robot) was also found in said blog.
‘Unthinkable!’ via blackberry messenger of one Bernardo Dominggo, 33, panday and part-time taho vendor who forbade us from taking his picture, believing that the black plastic and glass device will ’suck my soul’ and showing severe mistrust of any and all technology having to do with his suffrage.
Even with the deluge of music videos featuring Cebu’s best dance group, infomercials and comics explaining the new process, still the masses refuse to be swayed. ‘Why cant we go back to simpler times like the way my grandfather used to vote?’ said Juan Dela Cruz (actual name) from his facebook status.
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don’t get these technophobe bloggers/chatters/twitterers/gadget-fetishists wrong, man. they’re just bringing down the beast from the inside!
that’s obviously a time-machine, not a voting machine. don’t trick me foo!!1 i’ve been to the matrix and back.
hopefully this wont occur, working on the inside seems to a key. the flux capacitor is the key to time travel, you are right, mdk!
I r teh timetraveller. i travel though time leaving all mah clothes behind so i go naked in teh new place.
time travelers will be persecuted to fullest extent of the laws of physics!
when you travel into the past, try not to hook up with your mother.
i am my own father.
THE PHILIPPINES- In an even bizarrer twist, the whole nation’s poultry embryo production has more than doubled, its highest rate since the 1986 EDSA debacle.
As of press time, the majority of the Philippine population get ready for the voting process as they stockpile on chicken eggs (a common commodity of livestock in the tropics), intending to write the names of “Presidentiables” on said eggs, and submit it for ballot approval by the ‘COMELEC’ and the approved by the ‘GOVERNMENT’.
Spokespeople of Smart-o-matic’s marketing department, are once again, ‘dumbfounded’. -LM
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as was the premise of that feel good 80’s time travelling vehicle!